8 weird and wonderful Taobao finds this February 2022

Taobao is a magical, mysterious, utterly unknowable place. It’s a place where beautiful (and affordable) furniture exists! A place you can purchase clothes and bags and toys to your heart’s content — and then some. But it’s also a place that posits questions. Who needs this? Who would want this? Who is buying this?

In light of extended restrictions here in Hong Kong and in light of more and more time spent at home, I’ll be the first to admit: I’m doing quite a bit of online shopping. I know. I’m sorry! I’m a by-product of shortened attention spans and a sucker for that addictive shot adrenaline that comes from seeing a “Your Order Has Been Sent” email come through my inbox. And these Taobao finds? Just fun pitstops along my never-ending shopping adventures on the internet. And on my phone. And, sorry boss, on my work laptop. Whoops.

BRB, Adding These Taobao Finds To Cart:

Now, here’s how to tell people you smoke without telling people you smoke. If those smoke breaks you take unceremoniously throughout the workday is not enough of a dedication to the habit, make the time you spend unconscious cuddling the vice you’ve been telling everyone you’re trying to kick.

Do you ever see something and groan because you could’ve designed it? Could’ve brought it to Mark Cuban and Mr Wonderful with a perfectly scripted “Hey, Sharks!” pitch that may have led to the next Scrub Daddy? Well, groan away because this double-time umbrella might just be it.

It’s courteous — chivalrous, even — to offer up a share of an umbrella on a drizzly day, but I’d really rather everyone stay dry. This tandem umbrella, genius, offers up enough surface area to share, arm in arm.

Your hamster pal has gone through a lot this year, what, with learning what the word “cull” means and all. Brr. Give it a home that doesn’t look more like a portable jail cell with this washed-wood mini-palace — complete with a Juliet balcony and a metallic hamster wheel — that looks worthy of a slot in Architectural Digest. Almost.

There’s a lot of ingenuity involved when it comes to furnishing petite Hong Kong flats. A piece of furniture can’t just be so; it must also be something else. And something else, still. Now, this coffee table turns into a dining table with raised legs, then turns into a mahjong table with a felted tabletop so your party can go on without having to exit a specific square footage of your living room.

No, really: say what you feel. Livid? At the brink of a rage-filled bender? Feel like sending a clenched fist into someone’s smug, smug face? Slide on these oven mitts as though they’re boxing gloves — and make for the kitchen like you’re entering the ring. Crowds, raucous. Mouth guards, salivary. Your over-roasted casserole, a heavyweight champion.

Look, I get it. Scent is a personal thing. Some might prefer the realm of woody musks. Others, florals and no substitutions. In fact, scent is so very personal I wouldn’t hold it against you if you happen to find respite in smelling like a “Smelly Boy”, as per this Taobao seller. Or, “Fried Scallion Pancakes”, also a real scent. Or, the unknowable olfactory journey “Dust” brings. Or, just “Milk”. Go nuts — there’s probably a scent for that.

The scary things that happen with overexposure to the sun are certainly cause for copious amounts of hat-wearing and SPF-smearing. But scary things also occur in light of sun avoidance; namely, this mask, specifically. There’s a fine line between “Useful!” and “Are you sure about that?” and this bank robbing-adjacent accessory is a case study for the latter.

It doubles as a pretty picture-perfect Squidward costume, though, so there’s that.

No, the daily upkeep of your Animal Crossing island will not wait for anybody, cold hands or otherwise. Keep those phalanges toasty as you frantically thumb your buttons to get the most out of your island’s rock formations — and pray at least one gold nugget comes out of it. No more stones, please. I beg of you.

Header and featured image courtesy of 气味小铺 Odorshop and 左咸敦道’s respective Taobao pages

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